As a therapist in Asheville, one of the things that I am most struck by is how hard people are on themselves. I have noticed that people set very high and unrealistic expectations of themselves expecting themselves to be perfect. To make matters worse, they compare themselves to everyone else while telling themselves that everyone else has their life together and that they are the only one who is still trying to figure it all out.

What does your Inner Hater say to you?

Do you have a little voice inside your head that does a good job convincing you that you are a terrible person? When you make a mistake, do you ruthlessly berate yourself afterward? Do you play and replay your snafu over and over again in your mind? Or do you tell yourself things like, “I am not good enough,” or “I am a bad person,” or “I don’t deserve love,” or “I am permanently damaged”?

I call this little voice an inner hater. You may have heard it referred to as an inner critic. Whatever you want to call it, this negative voice can wreak havoc on your wellbeing and cause anxiety, low self-esteem, and keep you from moving forward in your life. The inner hater can keep you from being present with people, making decisions, and manifesting your dreams.

Where does the Inner Hater come from?

Some would say that the inner hater is just a part of the human condition and that it is something that we all struggle with as human beings. That we live in a “not enough” culture, and that it is easy to inherit thoughts about ourselves not being enough, e.g., "I am not smart enough,” “I am not thin enough,” and “I am not wealthy enough."

For the most part, the inner hater comes from the negative or oppressive messages transmitted in our society about our gender, sexuality, race, culture, faith, size, and ability that get internalized. And the oppressor's job is done when we start to oppress ourselves and each other.

Another way to explain this inner hater is that we absorb the negative messages we heard growing up — whether explicitly or implicitly communicated by our parents, siblings, or caretakers. Further, it is how disturbing events or traumatic memories get stored as negative beliefs about ourselves. When bad things happen to us — especially when we are young — our brains try to make sense of why this terrible thing happened, and the thought they produce is this: “I am bad, and that is why this bad thing happened to me.”

5 Tips to Tame Your Inner Hater

1. INCREASE YOUR AWARENESS

The first step in taming your inner hater is to develop self-awareness for when it is happening. Thoughts are merely thoughts. They are not facts, and they do not define you. People suffer at the hands of the inner hater, because they believe the things that the inner hater tells us are true.

The goal is to strengthen and expand your mind so that you can observe these thoughts. The more that you can observe these thoughts with curiosity, without getting hooked into it them, then the less time you will spend being dragged down into a negative, self-critical spiral. The more observing space between you and the inner hater, and the less you believe these things to be true, the more you decrease your amount of suffering.

2. MEET THE INNER HATER WITH COMPASSION

Even though our inner hater can be pretty ruthless and may cause us a lot of pain, the inner hater actually has earnest intentions to help you out. I know, I know. You are asking, "How can this mean and awful voice be helping me out?" I get that it sounds strange, but your inner hater is a strategy that developed when you were young, in an effort to try to protect you from getting more hurt.

The goal is to have some compassion toward this part of yourself. Your inner hater (like all of us) wants to be seen and acknowledged. The more that you try to ignore it, the bigger and louder it will become. Acknowledge this part of yourself, appreciate it, and try to understand its earnest (yet misdirected) attempt to protect you. Then try to show it some compassion and love, and gently ask it to give you just a little space.

3. GET OUTSIDE OF YOURSELF

We can get so close to our own experience that we lose perspective. If you find yourself ruminating about a mistake that you made, take a step back and think about what you would say to a friend or someone else who was going through the same situation.

We are often more compassionate to others than we are to ourselves. You may say to a friend, “Oh, that comment? It’s no big deal. You’re the only one remembering it.” If that’s what you’d likely tell a friend, then it’s what you should say to yourself, too. Taking a step back can help you think about the situation you’re obsessing over with a bit more kindness and acceptance, which makes it easier to process and resolve.

4. EXAMINE THE EVIDENCE

Learn to recognize when your critical thoughts are exaggeratedly negative. If you think, “I’m never going to be able to finish this class and graduate,” examine the evidence that supports and refutes this prediction.

Sometimes, it’s helpful to write it down. Draw a line down the middle of a piece of paper. On one side, list all the evidence that supports your thought. On the other side, write down all the evidence to the contrary. Looking at the evidence on both sides of the argument can help you look at the situation more rationally and less emotionally.

5. GET HELP WHEN YOU NEED IT

Individual therapy is a great place to start. Therapy is a process to air out the struggle and shame that you usually keep buried deep inside. When you bring your inner hater’s dialogue out into the light, and it is met with compassion and understanding by a therapist, it takes away its power, and it starts to heal you.

Individual therapy allows you to learn how to become aware of the negative messages operating in your mind — and to be curious and gentle with yourself, versus being critical and judgmental, so that your most authentic self can come forward.

EMDR therapy can help you to process unhealed experiences and replace negative beliefs with more positive & accurate beliefs about yourself. Learn more about EMDR therapy HERE.

Losing our grip on our negative self-talk is a crucial component to healing. It is essential to meet our inner hater with grace and compassion. Learning to be gentle with ourselves is the key to finding ease and contentment in this lifetime.

If you would like to explore more about your inner hater or if you are interested in individual therapy or EMDR therapy, then call me today at (828) 484-4992 for a free, 15-minute phone consultation to see if my approach may be a good fit for your needs. Or visit my website tracydavisblacktherapy.com for more information.

An Asheville Therapist's Guide: 5 Tips to Tame Negative Thoughts